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pageI FUNNY MADE-UP STORY "COMPUTER ADVICE" by the computer techs at THE LAUGH TIME  QUESTION: MY COMPUTER IS SLOW. ANY ADVICE? ANSWER: Absolutely. Your harddrive is more than likely suffering from ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER, better known by us experts as A.D.H.D.D. (attention deficit harddrive disorder), You can take care of this problem yourself, but it is time consuming and best left to a computer tutor. However, if you have the time you will be able to save a considerable amount of money. Begin by talking to your computer without any distractions. DO NOT laugh or make fun of your computer. Turn off the television or stereo first. Let your computer know that you are concerned with it's behavior and that you are there to help. Press the KEYBOARD gently yet firmly on each key that you are typing and explain to your computer exactly what key you are pressing. Sometimes, you may still find that your computer isn't paying any attention or listening. In this case, we suggest that you may need to enlist additional help from your local pharmacy. They may have over the counter medication to help....for YOU not the problem computer. Of course, it could be that your computer is losing it's memory. If you are not prepared to deal with this long term problem yourself, you may wish to consult a rest home for non-responsive computers that are listed in your telephone directory. Some rest homes don't take this matter seriously and may think it's funny. QUESTION: MY COMPUTER KEEPS FREEZING UP. WHAT SHOULD I DO? ANSWER: Computers are very sensitive. Gently place the computer in your microwave for about 10 minutes if it will fit, (you may need to purchase a commercial size), or place on the top rack of your oven for 45 minutes. That will thaw it out. QUESTION: HOW DO I GET A VIRUS OFF MY COMPUTER? ANSWER: First, try asking the virus to leave. Sometimes a virus is stubborn and you will need to resort to another tried method. Grab some bug repellent and liberally apply the spray all over the computer. We found that a bug bomb works the best. Simply enclose the computer in a suitable container and then toss in the bug bomb. Wait about an hour, then take it out, ......be extra careful to wear a mask and a pair of gloves when you do that,......those germs can be pretty nasty. Then get your garden hose out and wash it off. Put it in the microwave for about 10 minutes or 45 minutes in the oven, (as we explained in the previous question). We don't recommend using a hair dryer, that just blows any remaining virus to jump from the computer to you! Of course, you can always try an holistic approach. Draw a circle in white chalk around the computer. Place scented candles, preferably lavander if it's a boy computer or lilac if it's a girl computer. Close all the curtains in the room and turn out the lights. For safety, DON'T place any candles too close to the computer.......the wax might melt and drip on it and cause the computer to plug up. It's kind of like what happens when a person gets their ears plugged up from too much wax build up or when a person is driving at high altitudes. That usually clears up for a person when they yawn or take a key and dig the ear wax out. Unfortunately, you can't do that with a computer. They aren't smart enough to yawn and you don't want to use a key because it would scratch the key board, then you wouldn't be able to see the letters when you try to type. If you accidently get wax on it, the best solution is to gently toss the computer into the air.......being careful to catch it. After all, you don't want to break it! By tossing the computer in the air, gravity should force off any excessive wax as you catch it. QUESTION: MY COMPUTER CRASHES. DO YOU HAVE A SUGGESTION? ANSWER: You may have tried the methods described above! We failed to mention that the oven temperature should never be over 100 degrees and you should only throw your computer in the air when you have some sort of cushion or pillows under it! Sorry about that. QUESTION: MY COMPUTER RUNS TOO HOT. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? ANSWER: Tell it to slow down,....No, we're just kidding. It probably has a temperature. This is serious and not a laughing matter. The first thing to do is mash up about 20 aspirin tablets in warm water and slowly pour this mixture into the USB ports. WARNING: DO NOT GIVE TO COMPUTERS LESS THAN 12 YEARS OLD!! There is a possibility of permanent memory failure!! If the computer still feels hot after an hour, put it in the refrigerator, NOT the freezer, that could cause it to go into hypothermic shock! Take it out of the refrigerator after a half an hour. However, It is perfectly acceptable to use frozen vegetables from the freezer. Then for the next 24 hours keep your computer as comfortable as possible. Tuck your computer carefully in bed and keep it covered with an electric blanket. It's okay to sleep with your computer too, they like the company. Talk soothingly and softly so as not to disturb it. When your computer begins to feel better, feed it some chicken broth by opening the DVD DRIVE slot. However, do not plug it in just yet. TIP: You will need to open the DVD DRIVE manually using a screwdriver as the power won't be turned on. Apply plenty of force or it won't open. Pour in generous amounts of broth for the next day or so, then close the DVD drive tray and turn the computer on. NOTE: It's best to stand back a few feet when you turn the computer on, we usually use a 10 foot pole. When you turn on the DVD DRIVE it will force the liquid into all the necessary critical parts of the computer. See how simple maintaining a computer is. Your all set to go again,....just like new! GOOD LUCK AND HAPPY COMPUTING!!!! REALLY, DO NOT DO THIS AT HOME IT'S A JOKE. WE THINK... ALTHOUGH IT'S ALWAYS WORKED FOR US?! |
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